Foodie Friday...errr....Tuesday

Well, there goes that New Year's Resolution!

I had set as my goal, to post a Foodie Friday every 3rd Friday of the month.  Well, here it is, the second month of 2015...and I'm running three days behind! lol

Oh well...I spent the entirety of last weekend snowed in at my parent's in Kentucky.  And for that, I am okay with being behind a couple of days.  :)

But, believe me...this post is worth the wait!! Today, I bring to you, the amazingness that is.....

Bone Broth

I know...some of you are saying, "What?!" But I am serious.  If you have not at least looked into this amazing dish, with so many varieties, you are missing out.  Not only does it have amazing health benefits, you can utilize it in many ways.  If you'd like to read about the benefits of bone broth, you can do so here and here.  And these are just two articles that I found helpful out of the thousands out there singing the praises of this miracle soup. They also include recipes or links to recipes. But today I am going to share with you one I learned from a friend who is Vietnamese and makes variations of these broths every week.

Let's start with the basic bone broth.  For this broth, we used organic grass fed marrow bones (I know...right? But I'm not asking you to eat the marrow, just harness it's goodness!). Add marrow bones to large stock pot and cover with water (leave room for it to boil). Add to that a couple of quartered onions, a couple of quartered shallots, two large carrots (chunked), and fresh ginger. Now, what Christine does is takes the whole ginger root (2-3 inches long) and cuts it in half, adding both halves.  Most recipes call for less ginger, but it adds great flavor to the broth and has wonderful digestive benefits.  As far as spices go, I only added salt and pepper. But you can add anything natural that you like. The key to bone broth is to boil it low and slow.  You can also prepare this in a crock pot, as long as you have one that is large enough.  According to one of the articles I linked to above, you can cook the broth for up to 48 hours.  I know, right? But I promise it will be worth it.  A layer of fat will congeal at the top of the broth, always skim that off the top.  

Once you've finished cooking the broth, you can strain it and drink it as is, 8-12 ounces per day, first thing in the morning.  However, you can also use it to create great dishes with Asian flair.  What I did in the above photo is an example of just that.  I took rice noodles, which can be put into a bowl and with hot broth placed on top, that is all the cooking they need! You can also dip them into boiling water for about 30 seconds to rehydrate them.  To the broth and the rice noodles, I added quartered organic meatballs (pre-cooked).  Then comes the fun part, the toppings.  This broth really benefits from some crispness.  For this bowl, I chopped large leaf cilantro (my FAVORITE!!!) and green onion.  I also added a little fried red onion that can be picked up at any Asian market. You could also add bean sprouts. Those really add a great crunch. I recommend eating with chopsticks and a large spoon.

My friend eats some variation of this for breakfast and lunch almost every day. She is very healthy and very adventurous with her stocks! She uses chicken feet, marrow bones, Cornish game hens, and a lot of things I have not been brave enough to try.  But I am slowly gaining ground in my foodie adventures and hope you are up for the challenge!

xoxo, 

Rhi

Foodie Fridays Are Back!!!!!

One of my New Year's resolutions was to devote more time to the blog and to do it in a way that would allow me the best use of both my time and my words.  One of my favorite things about the blog was my decision last year to do a "Foodie Friday" post.  However, I found that writing a recipe post every Friday was too time consuming. My solution has been to post a Foodie Friday on the 3rd Friday of every month.  Hopefully this will work out and I will have more success sharing recipes from my family's table! 

I love to cook.  I love going to Farmer's Markets and picking out fresh meats and produce.  I like trying new things and using new tools.  Do they always work out favorably? No. Absolutely not. But that is part of the fun of experimenting in the kitchen! This year my husband and I are both devoted to taking better care of ourselves physically.  We believe whole heartily the saying that you can't out work a bad diet.  If we don't decide to be more conscientious of our food, then we will never be successful in this endeavor.  

We decided to adopt a 75% Paleo lifestyle.  Paleo is pretty hard core, so I believe that we can transition well if we don't start off by shooting ourselves in the foot.  Therefore, we will be eating Paleo, but we are allowing ourselves Quinoa, Greek yogurt, 1 or 2% milk occasionally, and shredded cheese only when sprinkled on salads.  We also are allowed to eat sprouted grain bread, or Ezekiel bread.  For the most part, our diet consists of fresh meats and whole vegetables.  One night a week, typically on a Saturday date night, we are allowed a cheat meal.  

Since deciding to change our eating plan, I have been experimenting more with spices and cooking techniques.  Let's face it...no one wants to eat baked chicken and vegetables every night.  

We received a wok as a wedding gift...and I absolutely love it! I made the following chicken stir fry using our wok and while it turned out pretty well, there are a few things I would change.

 We tend to buy meat when we find it on sale, so we are buying larger portions than I would typically use when I am just cooking for the two of us.  Therefore, when I get home from the market, I try to portion out the different meats and label them, so that I am not having to defrost eight chicken breasts, when I only need two.  It may make for a longer afternoon, but it is totally worth it.

For this recipe I simply cubed two chicken breasts, and sliced thin several zucchini and an onion. These were the veggies I had on hand, so that is what went into the stir fry.  I used a tablespoon of cold pressed coconut oil. (If you are using any other oil, you should stop right now! It is so good and really good for you.) I allowed it to melt in the wok and then added several different spices, fresh garlic, Liquid Aminos (like a vegan soy sauce), and the chicken.  I allowed the chicken to brown and cook through, then added the veggies to stir fry together.  While the chicken was going, I added a cup of dry quinoa to a pot with two cups of  organic chicken stock.  You can make quinoa with water, but it is so much better when you use a stock as your liquid.  Bring that to a boil, turn down, and let it simmer for about 20 minutes.  Once the liquid has left the pot of quinoa, simply use a fork to fluff it and you are ready to go! 

Once everything is finished, simply layer the quinoa on a small plate (helps with portion control) and spoon your stir fry on top. 

Now, my only regret is that I started the quinoa late, therefore I left the veggies in the wok too long, so they got too soft. I prefer them to be crispy and more in tact...but I will just alter my methods the next time! All in all, we got a really filling meal, that cost us around 250-300 calories.  

Hopefully, this time around, I will be more successful with my posting and give recipes that can encourage readers to gather together around the dinner table and share meals that are not only delicious, but good for you as well! 

As for tonight, my husband made a delicious frittata...I may just make him the star of my next Foodie Friday blog! 

Sideways Reflections and Hopes for Tomorrow

I'm back! After taking a break from blogging, I wanted to end the year with a glance back at this whirlwind of a year that has filled our lives with both overwhelming joy and heartbreaking sorrow...all the while, looking forward to where I see both myself and this blog going in this new year.  

One year ago today, I started my morning with some of the craziest people I know! I began Crossfit after going to an open house for the box and feeling like maybe this was something I could be into.  In the course of those 8 months, I found strength I never knew I had and made friends with some people whose paths I may never have crossed otherwise.  

But what about the rest of that day....one year ago, today.  Well, it just happens to be the day I married my best friend and the love of my life.  With the help of our families, friends, and wonderful people who quickly became friends...we had the most amazing day! 

 Our awesome wedding party

 Keith's mom and dad

My family...yep, that is totally us.

One of my favorite parts of our ceremony was the Prayer Circle. We asked our parents, along with couples whom we consider to be mentors or role models in their married lives, to encircle us and lay hands on us as John Dale offered a prayer for our marriage.  It was one of the most special moments of our day, and a picture that I will always treasure.

This last picture I want to share of that day pretty much sums us up completely.  

We began our married life with a gorgeous honeymoon in Cancun.  It was a week of much needed downtime with my honey and we are already planning our next trip!

The remainder of this year has taken us in so many directions.  Within the first two months of living in Memphis, I had two wrecks...very minor and neither were my fault, but both stressful in their own right.  I was able to be a bridesmaid in a wedding for a sweet Albanian sister friend that I met a couple of years back while serving on a mission trip.  When she asked the four of us girls who had just come back from the trip to join she and her husband in Chattanooga to be bridesmaids, we said absolutely! This was my 26th wedding. I'm not kidding. My 25th was my own, but other than that I have been a bridesmaid, honorary bridesmaid, maid of honor in 25 other weddings.  I was honored to be a part of Matthew and Francesca's wedding.

May was a month of peaks and valleys for us.  I found out I was pregnant, about eight weeks along.  We were elated! But I just knew that something was off.  And when I miscarried a week later, it nearly broke my heart right out of my body.  It is an indescribable pain and leaves you with a deep void and tons of questions that you may never get answers to.  And as well meaning as people are, more often than not, most words still hurt your heart.  I will always remember this pregnancy...always feel a void.  But we have faith that God has a plan for us to have children, and we are praying fervently for Him to bless us and show us His will.  

The rest of this year has been pretty amazing.  I have witnessed the wedding of another sweet friend...I have cheered and jumped up and down upon finding out that friends are expecting babies...I have changed my hair...and then changed it again...we took a family vacation to Florida over the summer and had a wonderfully relaxing time. In June, my position as a Wedding Consultant with David's Bridal ended and teaching jobs were scarce and impossible to obtain with the redistricting that had just taken place...so I began babysitting sweet Isabel, At first, I worried that it would be difficult after losing a pregnancy...but it has turned out to be a great blessing.  Keith and I both celebrated birthdays this summer, his in July (the BIG 4-0!) and mine in August.  This fall we made good use of the trails near our home and hit the road any time the weather permitted.  In November we celebrated our first married Thanksgiving and were so blessed that his parents were able to join us in Memphis to celebrate.  December ushered in my favorite season and we celebrated the season every day and in every way possible! Tree lightings, Christmas plays, caroling, hot chocolate...you name it, we tried to fit it in! 

 Sweet Isabel

Jamie and I~Florida~Summer 2014

One of my finest achievements of 2014 was the complete mastering of the selfie.  No joke. If you don't want to see a picture of my worst hair day, best hair day, cutest outfit, best lip gloss, most hideocious happenings...you might consider unfriending me on Facebook and no longer following me on Instagram.  It's my party and I'll post pics if I want to! I mean, I worked on it pretty hard...and have gotten quite good at it.  I even managed to get my lovely husband in on the action! 

But in all seriousness, it has been a truly amazing year.  I have grown closer to some friends and I have lost touch with others.  I have been on the mountain top celebrating with God, and in the valley shaking my head and crying out with despair. But through it all, we have striven to make Christ the center of our marriage. Some days we fall short. But we are committed to growing closer to Him and to one another this year.  We are still looking for a church home. I won't lie, that has been one of the most difficult things about living in Memphis.  I am a "girlfriends" girl. I love my friends and it does my heart good to see them and be social.  So, it is painful to my heart that after a year, I am still searching for that sisterness in Memphis.  I thought that we'd found a church home, but that has been more difficult than I anticipated, and becoming part of a group as an adult can be far more intimidating than as a child.  It is a very true and real fact that cliques still exist in the Church...and we need to be doing all that we can to tear those walls down so that all feel welcome.

I have lived...WITH A BOY (!!!!!!!!!) for a solid year.  And, you know what? It's kind of amazing.  People told us that the first year would be one of the hardest.  And while we have had our share of hard times, I can truly say, that if this is one of our hardest years, I am pretty excited to see what the future holds.  I know that God has great things in store for my love and I.  So for now, I am content (okay, well closer to content than I used to be) with our life in Memphis.  It may not be my ideal location, but if my Lord wants me here, then I will find the work He has set apart for me to do and I will do it to the best of my ability.  

Looking Forward:

I am not, nor have I ever been, one to make resolutions.  I feel that they set me up for failure. I inevitably fall short and instead of rolling with it, I use it as an excuse to give up.  However, I have chosen to focus on four things in 2015; mind, body, soul, and spirit.  Every month I will be blogging about what I have done to benefit those four components of my life.  I will resume my Foodie Fridays blog, but have decided to do it on the third Friday of each month, rather than every Friday.  And every other month I will be blogging about my favorite things.  It could be anything from fashion to furniture to faith! So, I hope that you will come along with me, and share in all of the great things that 2015 has to offer.  But for now, I am signing off so that I can ring in the New Year and celebrate 1 year of wedded bliss with the one my soul loves.  

Happy New Year, friends!!!

Foodie Friday: An Easy Chicken Recipe

Truth be told, I am not a fan of whole chickens. Well, I mean, baby chickens are cute...and if they aren't whole I've seen what they do to them in the chicken barns. (It includes a yard stick with a nail through it and  a large bucket...I'll let you make that connection.) But I digress. In cooking, I am not a fan of the whole chicken.  I know that it is cheaper, that it can add flavor because there is more fat, and it can feed more people.  However, unless it's Beer Butt Chicken, I just can't handle the whole bird.  I think it's the bones that do it in for me.

So, instead, I look for sales on chicken breasts.  When we find them on sale or Keith's store has them on clearance, we will stock up.  We actually have a secondary freezer for such occasions.  It is a great buy for those deals on meat that you just can't pass up, but would otherwise not have room for in your actual freezer.  We won't discuss the number of whole turkeys that are currently residing in there because the deal after Thanksgiving was just "too good to pass up" as per my husband.

The one downside to cooking chicken breasts is that you don't want to under cook them, but a second too long in the oven or on the grill, and they become dryer than the Christmas turkey in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation...for realz.  But the alternative is a baked chicken that has the texture of boiled chicken, and that is just not tasty AT ALL!

The quick fix for keeping your chicken breasts moist and tender is to use mayonnaise as a basting substance.  Have you looked at the nutritional value of mayonnaise lately? Not cool for those who are trying to cook healthy and well balanced meals.  My answer to keep the moisture locked in, yet not give up all the empty calories that come with mayo is simple.  Greek yogurt.  I used Fage plain Greek yogurt in the recipe below and it turned out amazing! So tasty with a really great "crust" on top and there wasn't a lot of seasoning on the veggies other than salt, pepper, and EVOO.  (A side note: No, those are not moth balls in our roast chicken...I'll get to that in a minute.)

Recipe:
As many chicken breasts as it will take to feed your family. If more than three or four, you may need to do less veggies or two separate casserole dishes.
An assortment of vegetables. I felt that simple was better and that by using everyday veggies, it gave the dish more of a "comfort food" feel. I used potatoes, baby carrots, and pearl onions (not moth balls!).

I mixed a small container of Greek yogurt with fresh garlic, turmeric, salt, pepper, and grated Parmesan cheese.  It created a paste of sorts that I dipped each chicken breast in, top and bottom, making sure it was well coated on the bottom before laying it in the baking dish.  Any extra of the mix, I spooned on top.  I cut up several potatoes into a bowl in large chunks, no uniform cuts for me.  I like the rustic feel.  I then added baby carrots and pearl onions.   To the bowl I added EVOO, salt, and pepper.  I then piled the veggies around the chicken. I had preheated the oven to 425 and I allowed the dish to bake for about 25 minutes or until the chicken breast is cooked through and then veggies are tender, but not mushy.

I added a small salad and wheat rolls from the bakery that I had picked up earlier in the week. I just popped the rolls into the oven for about five minutes while the roast chicken was cooling a bit. We added a little real butter to the rolls...not as healthy, but better than margarine. If you are using butter substitute, stop right now!! A little real butter is better than moderate fake butter any day! Anyway, it was a major success! Delicious and devoured! And I heart this CorningWare dish! One of my favorite wedding gifts by far.

You'll find that there are always tricks to try in order to make some of your favorite dishes a little more healthy! Plain Greek yogurt is a great substitute when a recipe calls for mayo or sour cream.  The probiotics alone are a reason to get on the Greek Yogurt bandwagon! Just try it...and don't tell your spouse or your kids what you've used...and I guarantee they'll love it! As a precaution, plain Greek yogurt has a strong sourness to it.  Adding spices cuts down on the sourness.  Be bold and experiment with new tastes! I have also tried this with turmeric and Sriracha.  It's a great way to add some heat! Can't wait to hear your results!
Happy Dining!!

Foodie Friday

I am super excited to add a new fun aspect to my blog! I love to cook, love to share recipes, love to find new and interesting things to make or create, and I love to know what my friends are cooking in their kitchens.  Foodie Friday is my way of sharing with you, my friends, things that are going on in my kitchen.  I promise to include hits, misses, and any hilarity that results from both!

For my first Foodie Friday I am giving you a "twofer"...or two for one!  I can admit, I am a social media addict...I mean, come on, I am writing a blog and hoping that I have actual readers who will enjoy it...I have an active Facebook page, my Instagram is totally cute, and I have several Pintrest boards, although I have been less active on Pintrest since I got married and now have no use for my zillion pins for wedding ideas. Maybe one day I'll have a baby and can resume frantically pinning the cutest nursery ideas EVER!! But I digress.

My first Foodie Friday delight was actually brought to my attention on Pintrest. After my last trip to the local Germantown Farmer's Market, I had most of the ingredients, so I decided to do the unthinkable, and actually make something I had pinned.  My creation: Avocado Salad with homemade croutons.

I know, right? I promise, it was just as yummy as it looks! I started with fresh tomatoes from the farmers market, giving them a rough chop.  I think I used two whole tomatoes. The recipe calls for cherry tomatoes cut in half, but since I had these local beauties, I used them instead.  (A side note, using a full grown tomato does make the salad a bit more juicy...but I didn't mind that.) I bought sweet corn at the Farmer's Market as well. The recipe calls for you to grill the corn...but:

A) We live in an apartment and aren't supposed to have grills.

B) We totally break that rule and have a charcoal grill which I did not feel like lighting and using.

So, I just boiled the corn, cut it from the cob, and then threw it in my cast iron skillet with a little EVOO to char it a bit. I had a fresh avocado, which I diced.  The dressing is the juice of one lime, a clove of garlic - minced, EVOO, salt and pepper.  Whisk that to death and then pour it over the salad mixture.  At the end, you add as much cilantro as you like. For me...that's like, a ton...because I love it so much.  For the croutons I used a baguette that I purchased at the Farmer's Market. I knew that it would not stay soft for more than a day or so, so when it go a little crisp, I cut it into rough slices, coated them with EVOO and some herbs, and baked them for 5 minutes at 400 degrees.  Enjoy! It's a great summer snack!

My second Foodie Friday treat was a happy experiment.  I had several peaches left from my purchase at the Farmer's Market and I knew we were going to be out of town for the weekend and if I didn't use them, they'd spoil.  I had also bought a pint of fresh blueberries at Kroger because they were on sale and because my husband said he loved them.  However, after several days, he hadn't eaten one of them. Therefore, they were fair game! I thought, "Why not make a tartlett?"  Because who doesn't love deserts in mini?! 

I started by slicing the peaches into thick slices, then added the blueberries, some granulated sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, and some hot water in order to make a spicy compote.

The bonus of adding blueberries is that the compote takes on this gorgeous magenta-y purple color!

I then took a pie crust, making sure that the top and bottom was well flowered when I rolled it out, and cut it into four pieces. I then rolled the edges up creating a small crust line and filled them with the compote.

I mean, that's totally cute, right?

I made four tartletts and baked them at 425 for as long as it took for the crust to brown nicely. 

The finished product! 

I topped the warm tartlett with two small scoops of vanilla bean ice cream.

It was like heaven. 

Truly.

I am a dessert goddess.

Hmmm...that's probably why I can never quite manage the Paleo lifestyle. And am still chubby. But I have a cute face and a sparkling personality.

But that's a blog for another day.

So, there you have it! My first of many, I hope, Foodie Fridays!!! If you have a love for cooking and great recipes to share, let me know! If there's anything I love more than cooking, it's cooking for and with friends! 

Until next time...

Happy Eating! <3

Shopping Local

It's been two months since my last blog.  Two months (10 weeks, actually) since I suffered the miscarriage.  I wasn't sure I was going to blog anymore.  To be honest, there were days when I wasn't sure I was going to get out of bed...or take a shower...or ever speak to God again.  But I did. And I am all the better for it. There will always be a sadness associated with that time in my life, but God has been so good to me.  He has allowed me to laugh, and love, and hold babies without feeling jealous or sorry for myself.  He has seen me through and continues to do so daily. 

But that's not really what I want to talk about today.

So, I am no longer selling wedding day bliss to the masses at David's Bridal....thanks be to God for that one! I really enjoyed my time at the Paducah DB...the Memphis one, on the other hand, was a complete disaster. However, with the upheaval of the school systems here and all of them breaking off to form their own districts, I have yet to hear back from anywhere I have applied.  To pass the time, I am nannying. It is something that got me through college, and in a larger city, can give you a weekly income that is undeniably beneficial. And having nights and weekends off has allowed me to get out and explore a little more!

After all, I am still trying to fall in love with Memphis.  Days like today make it a little easier. After work today, I decided to check out the local Farmers Market.  It happens every Thursday from 4-7:30 and there are tons of local merchants and farmers who bring their products.  There are also food trucks and live music! A definite added bonus! Local butchers have brought in fresh cuts of grass fed beef, pork, lamb, and chicken.  Local orchards have come with loads of fresh juicy peaches. Local farmers have set up shop with some of the most beautiful produce I've seen in a while.  Local honey is very popular with the Market crowd....as is the fresh baked breads and preserves.  I took a stroll to just purvey the entire market.  I noticed how the sellers and buyers interacted with one another.  I also loved the unique blend of people perusing the market.  From grandparents to new parents, twenty-something hipsters to park rangers...it seems like the Farmers Market is the place to be on a Thursday afternoon. 

I met a lady there who gave me some insight into the actual garden on the grounds. It is a community garden where anyone is invited to become a part! The sign ups are in January and you commit to volunteer two hours a week, then everyone shares in the produce from the garden.  I love, love, LOVE this concept.  Especially since we are currently apartment dwellers and have no way to garden even if we wanted.  Not to mention, what a great way to get involved in the community and meet new people! If we are still here in January, I am definitely getting involved!

So, below is a picture of my haul from today. Cucumbers, tomatoes, peaches, corn, and fresh baked baguette and sourdough bread.  This foodie has some great ideas...and it felt great to support local growers. Coming from a small town where gardening is practically a given for most, it is refreshing to see that it is still available in a big city, without the Whole Foods price tag. 

Happy Eating!!!!

I'm That Girl...

Did you see me?
Sitting in my car on Tuesday. Listening to KLove with tears streaming down my face.
Did you notice me?
Walking slowly through Target, holding my breath and wincing with each step.
Did you understand?
That while helping you choose a gown for the happiest day of your life that I was undergoing the absolute saddest day of mine.
I'm that girl...

I had a miscarriage.  I was at work and I lost one of the most precious things I had ever been given.  I was pregnant. Almost eleven weeks along.  To be honest, I didn't actually believe it when I initially found out.  I was still experiencing a light, but average cycle, so I just assumed I wasn't and that the symptoms I was feeling were all in my head.  But two home pregnancy tests and confirmation from my doctor a week ago, put me at about eleven weeks based on my hormone levels.  He explained that it is common in about 30% of pregnancies to experience a cycle for the first trimester, sometimes longer.  I don't have a doctor here in Memphis. However, during prom season I had held a dress for a young lady a day longer than we normally hold items and her mother had given me a card for her husband's practice which was close to my work.  What a blessing she and her husband have been to me. They set me up with an OBGYN, for which I have an appointment tomorrow. He did his best to reassure me that everything looked good. And so I was cautiously optimistic.
And then the next day, it was over. As quickly as I had been given the greatest news, I began having cramping and heavier bleeding.  I believed that I had miscarried on Tuesday morning. I called the OB office and a nurse told me that she believed I had, based on what I told her, had a miscarriage as well, and that I should keep my appointment for Monday so I could establish a relationship with them and so that they could check me out properly.  She said there was no need to seek medical attention unless the bleeding worsened.  So, I cried. And then I went to work.  And I cried in a dressing room, and in the break room, and managed to get it together long enough to leave a little early and see a few clients.  I spent Wednesday in bed. I was angry at God, I am still angry.  I yelled at him, I cried to him, I prayed to him, and I yelled some more.  On Thursday I was better.  The grief came in waves, but I was managing it with the help of my most wonderful husband. He was and has been my rock in all of this.  As have been my parents and some of my closest sisters.  Friday we decided we needed to get out so we went to dinner and a movie.  We laughed...a lot. I cried a little.  As I said, I am one blessed girl.
On Friday evening, the cramping got a little worse, but I just figured it was my body's way of cleaning itself out and that it would pass.  By Saturday morning I felt better and I went in to work.  I started cramping at work to the point where it would wash over me in waves. And then it happened.  The actual miscarriage. I watched as I passed the small amniotic sac, and my heart broke all over again. And to make matters worse, I was at work.  I managed to get to my phone to let my husband know that I was probably going to need to go to the ER after work.  But then the true bleeding started, and it wouldn't stop. I left without more than a brief word as my husband rushed me to the ER.
I called my parents on the way and my mom immediately left to be with me. I don't remember a lot about my time at the ER except that I was in so much pain that I couldn't stop shaking.  I had to wait for the ultrasound before they would give me anything for the pain. I waited two hours....squeezing my husbands hand until I was sure I was going to break his fingers. And it wasn't just the physical pain, but the emotional pain all over again that sent me reeling. And please don't comfort me by letting me know that now I will know what to expect with labor pain...knowing your excruciating pain will, in the end, produce a child is completely different than knowing that your excruciating pain is the end of life within you.  The staff at the ER were incredible. I was checked out thoroughly...insured that there was nothing wrong, that this just happens...that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

And I heard every word, as I have heard all week.  Here are the things I know: I know that I should look at the positive...I got pregnant.  I know that I didn't do anything to cause this to happen.  I know that God still loves me, and mourns with me and for me.  I know that I have amazing family and friends.

But it doesn't make it easier.  The simple fact, is that I prayed to God to save this pregnancy. I have prayed with my husband every night for a family of our own.  And I grieve for a loss that 75% of the world doesn't consider a loss at all.  With young women posting videos of themselves going through abortions because it is "their body, their choice," I feel sick that someone who aborted their child because they weren't responsible enough to prevent pregnancy in a random hook up is proud of their "right" and their "choice" while women who want nothing more than to be mothers are struggling to be just that. And every pregnancy that follows this one will send me into a small panic because of this experience.  I pray that I never repeat it, but ultimately God is in control of my story.

So I am listening to KLove. I am sitting in my car, with tears streaming down my face...shaking my fists at the sky and shouting at my heavenly father. Because as my good friend Violet pointed out, God is okay with me shouting and being angry...because it means that I am still speaking to Him. Still sharing my life with Him. Heartbroken by his not stepping in to work a miracle in my story. But I keep talking to Him. And when I can't talk to Him, my momma, who has been here since last evening, has spoken to him on my behalf. And my husband prays for our family to grow and be blessed.  And for our faith to not waiver. And my daddy and my brother and my sweet sweet friends have called and sent texts and loved on us from afar.  I am so blessed to know such love, which is the reason that I want to share that love with children of my own.  Because the alternative to having faith that it will happen is believing that I am nothing more than a giant pawn in a chess game created by life...and that simply won't do.

God hears our brokenness. His heart breaks with ours.  My prayer is that I will be a mommy one day.  And I have faith that He will bless us with children.  In His time as a part of His plan.  But for now my prayer is that he heals my body naturally.  That my follow up goes well tomorrow and that my body is doing it's job.

Maybe I shared too much. Maybe not.  Every person's experience is different, but I am a talker, and I need to share my story to help me make sense of it all. For all of you who have traveled this road with me, a thousand thank yous. I feel your constant prayers and I still covet them.  I am thankful for my sweet mom who put Mother's Day on hold to cater to me today.  Who is staying an extra day to take me to the doctor since my love cannot.  She is a true example of selfless love and I wouldn't last a day without her. 

This song has been getting me through this week...listen.

Light and love to all of my sisters who have experienced the devastating loss of a pregnancy. 

God is greater than our greatest sorrows.
God is the redeemer of our greatest dreams and the dreams we don't dare to dream.

God is love.